well that was awkward.

so the situation with the dirty dreams continues. only last night it was actually my boss who invaded my psyche. it was a matter of time before that happened, being male, in a position of authority, and…. well that’s pretty much all it takes with me. i mean, i had dreams about a boss like that when i had a bald, short italian boss who watched american idol. it’s just how i’m wired i guess. gotta love fathers who split on daughters when they’re in puberty… anyway… this guy also happens to be my age and a little hot. but i’m sure none of that had anything to do with it.

when i was younger it used to freak me out to have sex thoughts and/or dreams about men in my life, not because it was dirty or wrong or anything, but more because they were unattractive. i’d have them about teachers, coworkers, supervisors, cops when i’d been pulled over, really just about any male person who i spent any degree of time with, and sometimes female people too. not friends. i didn’t have male friends. not ones i didn’t fuck, anyway. and even still, i would go through that whole eew what’s wrong  with me process.

but i’m over that now, because i know how brains work and i know it’s not about the person.

come to think of it, considering how i turned out — presumably from being shit on by my father– it’s remarkable that i didn’t fuck more people than i did, and especially remarkable that i didn’t fall prey to teachers, cops, supervisors, etc who actually do exploit that kind of pathology in girls.

but when it happens it starts a whole irrational thought process where i become worried that they know what i’ve been thinking. i start worrying that i’m going to slip and say something filthy to the person. and i’m not worried that they will fire me or be offended. i’m worried they’ll be into it. like when seinfeld suggested the ménage à trois to offend a girlfriend into breaking up. because as a rule, i don’t say no. i say no to Mr Lucretia, but that’s a recent development in my sex life. one may argue even that he is Mr Lucretia because i have a no-saying-no policy. and yes, i worked with him. egad.

don’t you judge me.

so what ends up happening with me is that eventually, if you’re male and i’ve worked with you, i will eventually think about fucking you. your age — young or old — is immaterial. as is your  income, partnered status, hygeine, intelligence and attractiveness. and i will go through a terribly awkward phase wherein when you’re talking to me i’m thinking about your balls. and i’m wondering if you can somehow tell that i’m thinking about your balls. then i start avoiding reaching for things that are too near your balls, creating cumbersome social faux pas over things like pens, for fear that my subconscious will take over control of my hand and i’ll start stroking your balls. and i wonder if what i’m smelling is your balls. and i sweat. probably a terribly pheremone-laden sweat. so i excuse myself a bit too often. and i get forgetful. because i’m thinking about too many things — too many balls in the air as it were — to keep track of what you’re telling me. and eventually it dies down. eventually you say something stupid enough to snap me out of it, or i meet your hot wife, or your bizarrely unhot wife, or i find out you like van halen, or i just look up one day and realize you’re ugly. and not in a nice shane magowan way, but like the guy in the apple commercials.  (i likes me some ugly guys)

but anyway so today, i got up and again i’m all sticky and bothered, only this time i’m laughing at myself. because in my dream, i had worn a thong to work, in order to get my boss’ attention. i don’t wear thongs. they irritate my lady bits. but in my dream i found this perfectly soft, stretchy thong that was really like not wearing anything. and i was picking out what clothes to wear to showcase said thong. like monica lewinsky with bill clinton. and i wonder if that’s where i got the idea, i wonder if that’s how i think of myself in my subconscious, and holy crap do i think of my boss as an all powerful world leader? slick willy? bwaaahahaha.

so today was such a day at work. thankfully i won’t see the boss again for a week. hopefully i can have him replaced in that brain cell by the time he gets back. and hopefully he either didn’t notice or chalks weird behavior up to my being weird.