my friend is an asshole
onto the friend.
ass.
it bugs me, even though it’s been a long time. and even though i knew for several months how this person truly thinks of me.
we’d been friends for 25+ years. speaking to her about her life, and my concern about some parts of it was reduced to bullying and judgment. actually i can’t even say it was “reduced” to bullying, because that implies that there is some kernel of validity to that, like there is with teh judgment. which, by the way, i totally owned and offered to talk about that and clarify it so that the person would be (hopefully) comforted, and even if she was no longer interested in still being friends, i didn’t want to leave things giving her the wrong impression. then the accusation of bullying came. which she knows fully well is way off. and it pissed me off. i invest over two decades in a person to be called things that both of us know aren’t true, just because she was in a tough spot and overwhelmed? uh, no. not by a long shot. and let’s not forget that this person has a history of histrionics, was once diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (i mention this not because i view mentally ill people with –ahem– judgment, but to illustrate how evident this person’s antics were to outside observers as well). desperate, drunk, middle of the night phone calls, disappearances and whatnot. i don’t mind dealing with shit like this with my friends, but i will not deal with it AND be called things the friend knows i’m not because i’m not totally down with every life decision. and mind you, if not being down with certain decisions of friends were really a problem, one does not keep the same friends for decades. that’s just how it goes. so the fact that we’d been friends that long makes it worse that she said this, not better. it makes it less understandable that she’d think this, not more. this was several months ago.
but she had a baby in the meantime and i was wondering how she was doing. you don’t stop thinking about a person just like that when shit goes down. so i was hoping she was happy and doing well and decided to check her myspace. dumb mistake. some stupid shit on there, a veiled insult directed toward me, just like when she got mad at me and changed her status to “bullied.” stupid enough, but easier to write off when you think that maybe she was still pissed at that point and it’s alright to spout off dumb shit when you’re mad sometimes. even though, yes, it’s very lame, very 8th grade. but today i find that veiled insult, calling me an idiot moron, “you know who you are.” and it bugged me. yeah the insult bugged me, but mostly i was disillusioned with my friend. i don’t want to think i invested that much time and energy on someone who communicates via myspace like a fucking 8th grader. i’m embarrassed. i wish i was never friends with her. she’s almost40 and she’s using some internet module to say something to me that she was given the opportunity to say directly to me. part of me was holding out some hope that we’d work it out at some point in the future. that we’d hear each other out and even if we didn’t remain friends, we’d at least clear the air. but i look at that myspace profile and i see nothing there that i care to communicate with. she’s not someone i’d hang with anymore. her tastes in movies and books are stupid. her concerns and her beliefs are banal. her priorities are nothing to me. and if i were to have met her today and see her for what’s there, i’d have no interest in a conversation with her.
and that right there hurts. i’m sad that my friendship is really over. i’m sad that it apparently never was what i thought it was. and like i said, i’m embarrassed to have ever been associated with such a loser.
