and bad things are happening too

today sucked again. i found out that the income that came in this friday, which was supposed to be about $700 was in reality about $380. on friday night, we went out to eat, and got a bottle of vodka. saturday, i spent cash on needed but not urgent things. because i thought there was $700 in the house, and that another $600 was coming in a few days.

and i have been with the same guy for 15 years, and i have tried every possible strategy i could to come up with a way to budget so that we don’t go bankrupt. they all failed. he didn’t tell me about the $380. he insists he did. and he is hassled and put out by the fact that i am budgeting this money to pay for his food, which i make for him, and to pay for his daughter’s food, and the laundry, and the clothes. he acts like an obstinate teenager. then calls it “abuse” when i get pissed off about this.

we have spreadsheets. he doesn’t use them. we have calendars. he doesn’t use them. we had Micr*soft M*ney. he didn’t use that. we tracked the spending on paper. he didn’t enter any income on the paper sheets. he never adds up receipts. he never pays a bill, of any kind, ever. not once.

ever.

his bills.

my job.

so what’s wrong with me? what’s wrong is that i will always, no matter how hard he makes it for me, i will always manage. i will feed, clothe and shelter my child, who is his child. and as long as he is living where his child is, the utilities will be paid and he will have a place to sleep. irrespective of whether he contributes 50% to  that or not. and he doesn’t.

and fuck him for that.

what’s wrong is that despite days like today being commonplace around here, i still hold out hope that at some point he will grow up and pay his bills, budget his money, quantify every dollar, prepare food, buy food, budget for food, devise a coping strategy when there isn’t enough money for food, and i KNOW it will never happen. i know from 15 years of experience with this person.

i don’t love him. i don’t expect love or respect from him. i just want to get through the day. i want a budget and an itinerary and  a clean house. i feel that i’ve already given up love. i have given up respect. i have given up caring. i have given up reliability. i have given up co parenting. i have given up sex that’s worth the time spent on it. i have given up everything a person expects from a husband. now, all i ask is a decent room mate.

and i’m an asshole for that.  oh, i’m ABUSIVE for that.

shitwad.

that’s not what i want to talk about though. what i really want to talk about is why it is that i can know all of this about this guy, and still be here.  because until i do really get into that, i can’t fix that.

i’m concerned with this economy the impact of moving either us or him out, maintaining two homes and having enough money to go around, when we don’t even have enough for this one home.

but on days like today, i can’t help thinking there has to be a way i can rid myself of this albatross, some way i can live in a house free of this shit, and just collect the child support which won’t be enough, but at least i’d have my day-to-day dignity and no one monkeywrenching every strategy i try to get on top of the finances. yeah, he will still act like an obstinate teenager with having to pay child support, and he probably won’t do it but whatever. it’s not the dollar amount that matters, he needs to understand taht he has to be reliable to his child. give the same amount, every week, without fail, and in spite of any obstacles he had. he won’t understand that, and he will view it as me imposing some unreasonable conditions on his fatherhood. but here’s the kicker: he’ll do all that in his OWN HOUSE.

that’s what i want.

but seriously, in the worst recession since the great depression, what i want and what is possible are different things.

so i am left to try to be divorced, while living under one roof.

which is the place i am in, repeatedly.months go by, i get complacent, i live like i’m married, then days like today happen when i am reminded that i do not have a partner. i do not have someone who will cooperate with me on parenting, house work, budgeting, or love me.

so how to solve this? how do i avoid that complacency period? that time when i go out, but i take him with me, that time where i fuck, but i fuck his fat smelly ass.

it’s like i keep waiting for something to happen to make things different. and i am perpetually thinking that something is changing, that this job will bring in enough money to leave, or this person i’m associating with may open doors…. but it never happens.

and my feeling is, i can adjust to any reality, as long as i know what it is. people do it all the time, they raise kids as single parents. it happens. why do i have to go through the whole wringer of the divorce process just to establish a dollar amount and physical custody of a child? can’t we just agree to that, and not involve the courts?

the idea i usually come back to is that i have to bite the bullet and just move out. even though i can’t afford it. even though i can’t get housing. even though i can’t make enough money to support my child and myself. that i should just do it and let chips fall where they may, and be uncomfortable with no internet connection and no phone and no tv and on food stamps and section 8.

to do that i would have to get legally divorced.

to get legally divorced, i would have to submit to an audit and pay back taxes.

oh, and i’d have to MOVE! ugh. i’ll tolerate any hell if it means i don’t have to move.

because he’s got a sweet deal here. his electricity will never be shut off, he never has to pay any bills or even know what they are, he never goes to teacher conferences, he never enrolls her in her activities, he basically works, gives us what he thinks is appropriate, which is decided that day, and eats and sleeps here. i take care of everything else. that’s a pretty sweet deal, if you’re a mooch by nature. so as long as i allow him to reside with his child, who is always going to reside with me, this is how things will be.

i can’t plan anything. i can’t commit to anything, including a work schedule. which means i can’t keep a job. i can’t consistently keep food in the house.

etc.

and if i were to force a move, i’d be dealing with the same shit. but i would be alone in my house with my child. and no one would call me abusive for providing.